In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
