Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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