Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
