If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
