I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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