And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
