she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
