Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
