i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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