I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
