There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
