Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
