we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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