And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
he had hair everywhere except his balls
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
