Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
