awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
