The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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