Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
