Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just high enough for therapy.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
