my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
