I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
