i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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