im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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