the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
