i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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