There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i just sent this text using only my big toe
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
