Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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