get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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