I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
