Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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