My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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