why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
