i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
