Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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