guys are only as good as the porn they watch
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
