Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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