Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
