She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
