just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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