my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
