Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
