My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
