It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I would fuck him just for his dog
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
