at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
