Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
