I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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