I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
