fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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