Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
