I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
